A couple of Sundays ago, I said yes.
Parmesan Cheese
Our waitress had just arrived with the tray of food. After placing it on its stand, she pulled out the cheese grater and asked, "Would any of you like fresh parmesan on top of your dish?"
Instantly, my stomach dropped. I don't need it. I already chose a dish with cheese and meat. Adding more cheese is extra calories. Those extra calories will lead to weight gain. I am going to pass--
"Mam?"
"Oh, I'm sorry." I realized that she was talking to me. "No thank you, I'll pass on the cheese."
I knew I was afraid. As far as my friends knew, all I had said was no. They didn't know I was struggling, going back and forth about whether or not I should get the parmesan. Or that I had to tell myself it was okay to eat, every time a new part of our four-course meal was brought to the table. First the breadsticks. Then the soup. Then the main dish. And finally the dessert. Every. Single. Bite. I had to remind myself that I was free to eat and didn't have to compensate later.
One by one, I watched my friends say yes to our waitress when she asked if they wanted fresh grated parmesan cheese. My heart was heavy, but I managed to listen to a quiet voice inside, That cheese looks yummy. And I would like to try it. It's okay. Cheese is okay. Nothing bad will happen if I eat it. I interrupted, "Actually, mam, I'd like some cheese. Just a little bit."
I exhaled. A long deep exhale as I released all the tension that had built up inside of me. Victory. Saying yes to cheese was a moment of sweet victory.
Since Leaving My Vegan Lifestyle
I'd like to give a little update on my post-vegan journey. July 2020 I decided to no longer restrict nor have rules regarding my food intake. Veganism had slowly taken a turn for the worse and it began to trigger old eating disorder thoughts. I thought my struggle had died. Turns out it was dormant. And only a few rules and a handful of restrictions was what it took to wake it up. The Lord had convicted me to surrender my control of food and my body back to Him again, and I painfully said yes. I love control. And I think I will always love control. So it only makes sense that the things I want to control and am unwilling to surrender will be the things that the Lord continues to ask for.
[Read more here https://celestevaldez.wixsite.com/mcot/post/chapter-4-still-vegan]
Fast forward to my move to San Antonio.
I was scared that living in a new place with new people and a new job would lead me to use food and exercise as my means of comfort. And it did. But rather than being upset about it. I gained respect for the fight.
One day I was driving to work from the house I had been housesitting at. I'm not going to eat the rest of the day. The thought came out of nowhere. And I liked it. I felt a small moment of power and excitement at the idea of starving myself for weight loss. But just as quick as the thought came in, another followed. You can fight this. It's just like any other temptation to sin. I had never realized that saying yes to restriction and rules and control was giving in to my temptation. The temptation to trust in myself and not God. The temptation to choose my own way of receiving love and acceptance. The temptation to believe I am the one in control. I realized I had to reject the thoughts. I had to say no to falling back into the comfort of quick fixes and vain beauty practices. Another day of surrender. Another day of learning what to say no to and what to say yes to.
Welcome to the post-vegan life. Lots of hard no's. Lot's of fun yes's.
No to the lies. No to the need for control. No to the ugly self-comments. No to always checking my body in the mirror. Yes to fresh parmesan. Yes to extras after I've finished my first plate. Yes to dairy milk in my coffee (scary to this day). Yes to a cookie for breakfast (and nothing else...I used to justify a cookie if I first ate a banana or some spinach or anything "healthy"). Yes to bread at breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. Truth is: I should always be scared of my thoughts resurfacing and demanding their way. Not scared that I won't handle them, but scared because I respect them. They are real and will constantly require an answer from me. That is okay. This is my daily surrender. My daily fight. I want to note that we rarely deal with sin one and done. A friend of mine recently reminded me of this. Maybe, by God's grace and His will, certain struggles will be removed, but as far as I know, this struggle is my current battleground. And I am excited to learn daily how strong Christ is when I call on Him to help me.
As you may now be gathering, when I stopped being vegan, I didn't stop having tempting, difficult thoughts. But in other ways, a lot really has changed and a lot has been gained.
What I've Gained
Weight: I have put on roughly 10-12 pounds. I still fluctuate up and down. I don't fit into some of favorite, old jeans and shorts. I have had to grieve it and leave it, buying new clothing a few sizes bigger.
Freedom: I no longer think about food as much. I think about it when I am hungry (like a normal person would). Then once I've eaten, I go about my day.
Acne: I think all the dairy and maybe even some sweets are leading to my acne. But there are also other things I am learning to pay attention to. I think about my sleep and stress. Managing those has been better for my overall health than choosing to cut out foods.
Bloating: I have really struggled with looking down and seeing my belly so round and tight. At times, I really do think I could pass for being pregnant. Haha. Food babies are real. One evening I was especially struggling to be okay with this journey of living restriction free. Here is a little journal entry I wrote: "Definitely want to quit right now. I feel incredibly uncomfortable in my body. All day I have felt very bloated. I am gaining weight. I don’t like this at all. AT. ALL. But I know that when I was restricting and working out to lose weight I also had hard days like these. I would rather have hard days on the road to recovery instead of hard days on the road to nowhere. I expected to have these days in recovery. I NEVER expected, handled well, was okay with, or embraced these days when I was restricting and dieting. This has to be the better hard day option. So I will stick with it. The past few days I have eaten quite a few carbs and pastas and cheeses and meats. And each of those items is good and okay. I am not defined by my weight. I am not defined by my looks. I choose to believe that."
Fellowship: When I had a diet to maintain, that was my main focus. Tending to my thoughts was like tending to a child. So many demands. Pestering comments. Small interruptions. With children, it can turn into a joy and opportunity to teach. With disordered food thoughts, resolving the demands, being ruled by the comments, and giving ear to the interruptions, draws me out of fellowship with others. I can't engage in multiple conversations. Maybe I muster a smile that is quite possibly out of place in conversation because truly I didn't hear what my friend said. I was too busy hushing my thoughts. Now that I have no restrictions nor rules. I am free to listen. To engage. To enjoy being with my friends and family again.
Time: I love planners. Like so much. Writing tasks down just to later check them off my list of to-do's. It's such a rewarding little daily ritual. But everyday's list used to revolve around my workout and then my shower and then my outfit and then my day felt like it was almost gone. Now, I have so much more free time to do things. Or even not to do things. I have taken a much needed break from exercise. I will go on an occasional walk or jog or bike ride, but only if I am going without any intentions to burn a meal or earn a meal.
Joy: The other day my friend went to grab us sandwiches. She asked me what I wanted and I confidently told her, "Just get me whatever you get." The words felt amazing coming out of my mouth. Like what? I am going to eat whatever she eats? Whatever bread she chooses? Sauce? Veggies or lack of them? Meat: beef or chicken? Chips? That moment brought me so much joy. And I have many other small moments just like that. There is something exciting about letting go and not being in control.
As I continue to choose to live in surrender, I'm sure that I will continue to gain things, difficult things that make me uncomfortable and encouraging things that remind me this battle is worth it . I need you to know how significant it is to hold fast to the "why." What is your reason for doing something or not doing something? I have to remind myself that all of my disordered thoughts relating to food and exercise lead to a dead end. No matter how much they try convincing me otherwise. No matter how much society and social media tries convincing me otherwise.
If you are also denying the relentless desire to control, I applaud you, and I want you to know that it will be hard. But you are choosing the better of the hard days.
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