I began writing out my eating disorder journey like a book, titling each of my posts as "chapters." I didn't think much of it. In fact, I offhandedly thought that perhaps I would look back later in life, realize I have enough content to create a book, and then go ahead and publish it. Little did I know that writing this story out would reveal that I am currently living in the chapters of my journey. I watched as each published chapter worked its way right up to the present.
It's true. I am still in the thick of this. And believe it or not, I am actually incredibly excited to be writing about real time victories and failures. So here we go...let's talk about quarantine baby.
March 2020
A month that set ablaze my expectations for quite a few things in my life. Not necessarily an awful fire. It was contained enough to be comforting but also hot enough to have me wiping the sweat off my brow. A lot of things were stripped from me and our world as a whole. Our freedom to come and go as we please. Our ability to see and touch people we love. Our normalcy and stability of work and pay. Our expectations and plans for the future. What I saw my life looking like turned out to be altogether different.
Though I was stripped, I was also blessed. The stay-at-home order during the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic blessed me with some extra time since I could no longer leave my house. I decided to use a portion of my time to study and understand eating disorders and recovery a little better. This would then lead me to understand my story better so that I could share it more clearly. And what better place to learn than youtube...
Through a series of clicks, I found myself watching Stephanie Buttermore's "All In Journey." Her aim was to heal her extreme hunger by eating to full satiety with no restrictions placed on food. Though I myself didn't struggle with extreme hunger, I knew that food restrictions persisted to infiltrate my life. Her video made me question my restrictive mentality toward food. Was I being too strict with my eating? Could I ever trust myself to let go and just eat whatever I wanted? A few days later, I stumbled upon a TED talk by Catherine Pawley titled, "After Anorexia: Life's too Short to Weigh Your Cornflakes." The things she stated were almost too real for me to handle.
"For me, the path to recovery involved ripping up my rulebook. The rulebook that governed my every move. The rules that made me feel safe. Made me feel in control...The rules that were slowly killing me. I had to break these rules. One by one. It is impossible to recover from anorexia and keep your rules."
I closed my laptop.
I sat there silenced by the weight of what I had just heard. Her words pierced something deep inside me that I had been unwilling to confess. I had a rulebook. And being vegan was the way I allowed myself to continue adding rules to my list without feeling guilty for it.
Suddenly, I found myself back in the cushioned seat at the granite island in the center of my sweet friend's kitchen. We were sitting and chatting about life. One thing I particularly love about visiting with her family is the way our conversations naturally oscillate from humorous and light-hearted to deep and thought-provoking. And that evening, our conversation became so much deeper than I was prepared for...
After some discussion surrounding food and a few comments about my diet, my friend's mom asked me, "Do you think that being vegan is a way to hold onto your eating disorder? To hold onto control?"
I sat there genuinely stumped and keenly aware of how naked I felt.
My reply soon followed, "You know...to be honest, I don't know. Maybe?" It was the first time anyone had questioned my veganism as it relates to my eating disorder, which in my mind was a thing of the past.
I had spent roughly two years answering the question, "Why are you vegan?" without much thought. I would simply say that it started for mostly ethical reasons and then became largely health related. I'd go on about how great my body felt and how my skin had cleared up. I would share the recipes I had found and talk about the new foods I was trying as a result of not eating animal products. I felt good, well mostly good, about my answer. Mostly good about my diet. Mostly good about my body. Mostly good about my life.
Her question challenged the "mostly." Her question saw through what I was doing. And as light broke through, I had the opportunity to question my veganism too. Scary, yes, but necessary. There is no area of our life that will not require upkeep. We have to be aware that Satan is active, busy, and relentless in his attempt to dismantle our life. If we view areas of sin as places to conquer and forget about, we run the risk of infiltration. We don't conquer sin once or a few times. We daily battle against it. That is the cross we carry as we live this life for Christ. And it would be foolish of us to believe that Satan won't use the same area of struggle against us when he can. He'll simply package it in a new way.
And that's what happened to me.
I settled back into reality with my closed laptop on the floor in front of me and the memory of that evening weighing on my heart. "Do you think that being vegan is a way to hold onto your eating disorder? To hold onto control?" I listened to her question over and over as if she were there in my bedroom, months later, asking me again.
I knew that going vegan started out innocent. My friend showed me how animals were treated and I was disheartened. Coupled with the fact that trying something new felt like an exciting challenge and life change, I decided to go for it. I even went in thinking it would probably only last a month. But two years in, I realized it had become a part of my identity, and I started feeling like it was what was expected of me. Everyone I knew was aware that I was vegan. They would tell people before I got a chance to say anything. So many sweet friends made food accommodations for me. I legitimately had people in my life who cared enough to read a menu and find the things I could eat before I even sat down to look over it myself. It was a beautiful way to experience love, but I started feeling trapped. I started craving foods that were "off limits." I felt guilty, restricted, and ashamed around food. Then I began to notice that my weight wasn't necessarily dropping the way I thought it would. I was getting mad and annoyed that the work I put into maintaining my diet wasn't providing any change to my outward appearance, at least not the amount of change that I deemed "enough." And that's when I knew something was wrong. Being vegan felt too familiar to my past eating disorder.
June 2020
A few months later, as if there wasn't enough evidence already that veganism had become unhealthy mentally for me, the Lord stepped in. I remember listing all of the things I was willing to surrender to the Lord during a prayer one night, and I couldn't come to a place to surrender being vegan. In fact, I specifically told Him that He could have everything except for that one thing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose my control of food and thus my control of my appearance. I couldn't fathom eating "intuitively" and listening to hunger cues. I couldn't fathom ripping up my rulebook. It was then, in the deep part of my soul, that I answered my friend's mom's question: Yes, being vegan has become a way that I have continued to control food so that I can feel safe.
I finally admitted that I could no longer remain vegan if I wanted to be healthy mentally. Full surrender required every part of me. God was helping me regain clarity of my identity. And I was choosing once again to fight slipping back into an unhealthy place.
It has been roughly a month since I stopped eating with restrictions. It has been incredibly hard, but oh so satisfying to rely on God fully for my peace of mind and trust my entire life into His hands.
I do want to mention that veganism is not inherently unhealthy. Many continue to live on a vegan diet and are seeing great physical healing and overall health. For many who struggle with food and restriction, being vegan can simply be a guise for continuing to restrict. Choosing the path of healing mentally has required me transitioning into eating all foods again. I don't know what the Lord has in store for my future with food, but I will say that, for now, surrendering this control is what is best for me! Please reach out if you have more questions or simply want to share what you are walking through as it relates to this topic.
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