The following poems are explicit and potentially triggering. I don't take lightly that these are now available for you to read. I pray you know that the Lord is mighty and strong to save. I pray you also understand that recovery is constant. Some days it can feel effortless, other days unbearable. Something I have recently come to see so clearly about this issue is how destructive it is.
I looked in the mirror the other day and exhaled in relief. It was truly God's goodness that saved me. If left to my own devices, if given up to my own passions and pleasures, I would destroy myself. That is what my eating disorder was doing. Whether I could see it or not, I was physically becoming small until there would have been a point where my smallness could no longer have sustained life. And the eating disorder is just the tip of the iceberg. Hidden beneath is a desire to control, to people-please, to build worth, to gain attention. It's this insatiable need for more. A powerful and addicting greed for something to fill me.
Isn't this the reality with any sin? With any attempt to self-satisfy, self-medicate, self-motivate? If left unattended, it will destroy us.
"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath.
B U T B E C A U S E O F H I S G R E A T L O V E F O R U S
God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
Ephesians 2:1-10
I know bones are probably not pretty
But I want to see them
I want to feel them
When I run my hands across my knees
Or down my spine
The bones will scream I’m worthy
So that I'll finally be okay with
The girl in the mirror I see
---
This could be scary for you to know
But I’d like to choke
I want every piece of food to stop
Halfway down
Come all the way back up
I want to lose the weight
Every pound
Run until I can't anymore
---
Water will be the death of me
Drowning in my own desire to become
Small little less
And less
Of me for you to see
Less to hold
I’ll be cold to the touch
But I promise my mind will be better, healthy
I’ll finally love me
When I become smaller than this
---
I can’t explain how or when it happened
But I daily wrench myself from its grip
I can’t stand it any longer
The way it belittles me into becoming smaller
I know it’s only lying but I swear it’s onto something
So I try this out
A little at a time
Wondering why I’m not satisfied
And yet here I am
I’ve come back to try
And figure out if more of less of me
Will be the answer to my inner need
Smaller still
Smaller
---
I pray that whatever it is that you battle with, God would provide strength. I pray you are able to look in the mirror and honestly see that God has saved you from destruction. He is a good good Father. He sees and knows us.
He sees your dry and weary bones. He loves you.
Encouraging Instagram accounts:
@no.food.rules
@thefoodfreedomlife
@jessijeannn
@eatconfident.co
@emilyfonnesbeck_rd
@emmysyummys
@beauty_redefined
@emmasmyth.nutrition
@thewellfulcommunity
@thewellful
P.S. I have not posted in awhile. This was a draft from April of this year. I hopped back on my blog today and was encouraged to come back and read this. I am currently in a healthy place with these things. But always praying for strength to remain in Christ and trust the way He has fashioned my body.
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