Writing definitely takes practice. I've been out of practice for awhile. My brain will start a thought or have an idea and then it fizzles out. I wonder if this is "mom brain" and "pregnancy brain". Probably.
I am currently 8 months pregnant with my second baby. My pregnancy cravings are cleaning products (don't worry I just like the smell), asmr cleaning videos (it's crazy how fast time flies when you're watching someone else clean and organize their house), vacuuming (I could vacuum everyday; multiple times a day), crunching on Chick-fil-A ice (it really can't be any other kind), and decluttering (there is something about the way filling up a box with things to donate is so satisfying).
Unlike my first pregnancy, I have a little boy running around to keep me busy and distracted. It's been neat to watch Leo learn and grow everyday. There are small things he does that remind me just how much his little brain can comprehend. Every time I go to get him from his crib, he stands up and hands me his pacifier. After he finishes a bottle, he brings me the empty bottle. When he brings me a book, I ask him to sit down with me and he tries his best to sit in my lap and then begins turning pages with me through the book. He just recently started waving hello and goodbye. He knows that if I am at the stove, food is sure to follow. It makes him more impatient, knowing food should be coming soon, but nonetheless, it's a sweet picture of his growing awareness and knowledge.
Leo also knows what the word "no" means or at least what it feels like. This morning he hurried over to our blinds and turned back to look at me as if to say, "I know I shouldn't do this, but I'm going to anyways." With a quick whack, he slapped the blinds.
"No, Leo."
I've been practicing my "no" voice. You would think it's not that hard to tell your child no, but it really does require consistency and intention. I want my "no" to be stern and serious but also not angry or frustrated. And Leo has learned over time that the word "no" should cause at least a moment of pause. So he stood there staring at me for awhile. It was so long that I couldn't help but laugh, which I am sure made Leo even more confused. Mom just told me no and now she is laughing. So did I do something right or wrong?
He almost always looks at me when I say no. Sometimes he even begins to cry or throw a small fit because he understands something is being taken away or prevented. But this time was so funny because he stared at me. With an unbroken gaze. For what felt like an eternity. His whole one-year-old self stood stoic. Halted. Waiting. Perhaps for me to say it again or to invite him to play something else. I will never know. But for now, I enjoy these small interactions and learning moments for both him and I. And after those eternal seconds of waiting, Leo did end up leaving the blinds alone and came over to me so we could play with something else.
Little by little. One no at a time. He is learning. And so am I.
God is using Leo to teach me more about Himself, His Word, humanity's broken nature, desires, time, discipline. The list is truly endless. Motherhood is hard for good reason. It is an incredible stewardship of a soul for 18+ years. It's humbling. It brings me to the end of myself over and over again faster than any other life experience thus far. And it's interesting how each time I am brought back to a place of recognizing my utter need for Christ and His abiding strength, I tell myself, You are meant to stay here and are never able to do it alone. You have no strength apart from Christ. Depend on Him...
...evening. Morning. Another day comes. And I quickly begin to clean, cook, run errands, plan, hangout with friends, and communicate with my husband on my own strength.
Since we are yet to be made fully perfect in Christ, our human nature is at war with the Spirit. And this battle will continue to provide us with opportunities to depend on ourselves or on Christ. So I want to encourage you to depend on Christ, just as I am encouraging myself to do the same.
Here are some verses to meditate on:
Proverbs 3:5–6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoices; and with my song will I praise Him.
Jeremiah 17:7–8
Blessed is the man that trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.
Proverbs 18:10
The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runs into it, and is safe.
Psalm 62:1–2
Truly my soul waits on God: from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved.
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.
Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help and rely on horses, who trust in chariots because they are many and in horsemen because they are very strong, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel or consult the Lord!
Very encouraging, Celeste! Thanks for sharing what God’s been teaching you.