i say i don't

i say i don't live on their praise

but i starve when they don't give it to me

crippling under silence

questioning my identity constantly

wondering if they see or

even want me

i'll take even the smallest

word from them

so desperate

i'll cling to anything

even if it lifts me for just a moment

i prefer using words

you

do not

you will find me

half here and half there

not quite ready to move on

but not willing to stay long

you will find me

and you will not

i took one step

that’s all it took

to take me back

your arm was hooked

i wanted to tell you

a lot of things

i find the things

i want to say

are my life now

not back way when

it will rush in

crashing me

over and over again

with each breath

i struggle to remember

or is it

i struggle to forget

i've made up my mind

that's how it learned

to make up things for me

creating spinning forcing me to wonder

i sometimes believe it

it yells it whispers

it silences me

with it's midnight terrors

but i think

it's all made up

right?

love is a scary mad thing

running blindly

knocking things over

setting things on fire

it's very obvious

when it's here

and it's very obvious

when it's not

you're not tired of the same old thing

the same old thing is tired of you

same restaurant

same promise

same pursuit

same petty one liner

"i love you"

only difference is with who

not even you

young mind ripe with ambition

ready and willing to set the world on fire

convinced their passion will do it

and so it will

a trailblazer they will be

simply for believing and doing

something they love to do

i'm better yet

better yet i'm

let's restart

restart let's

just be normal again

i only write about half of my life down

the rest flies out the window

every long night drive i take down back road

and then half of the half i write

do i actually remember correctly

my tears and my laughter sift the mess

so all that's left

very well might be

somebody else's story

you think you're funny

making up these stories

and though i laugh

they're hardly worthy

but you're hardly willing

to fake a care

i am not you

you are not me

we are not something

to repeat and copy

or undo and sharpie

crossing out things

or strangely erasing

let us be what we've been made to fully be

i'll bear His image

and so will you

entirely different

and that's okay

all you were doing was listening

and that’s what scared me

you stopped listening to your heart

and started listening to my fear

one last poem

for no one else but me

a place to house my last few thoughts

before consuming me